On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There's no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I'll be on the front porch............
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Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Monday, December 19, 2011
Getting Old
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was
down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his
office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When
my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two
flat tires..
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm you’re 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're are about my my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for
patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out
of her hospital gown.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares
at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
Walt Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma
And be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more.. .. .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was
down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his
office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When
my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two
flat tires..
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm you’re 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're are about my my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for
patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out
of her hospital gown.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares
at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
Walt Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma
And be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more.. .. .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Homeless Man's Funeral
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and,
being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin'
like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost....
It's a man thing .
Holy Humor
During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember
these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3.Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and
bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence,
"I think I'd throw up.."
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing
when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two
worms.
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most
quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23 . She gave the youngsters a month to
learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't
remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first
line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the
congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the
microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to
know."
UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and
bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him
why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his
messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He
doesn't answer it?" she asked.
BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers
for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy
replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family
member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks,
after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This
soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity
got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about
all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by
saying 'All Men'!"
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's
house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When
Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please
wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy
replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before
eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is
Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.
THE BIBLE
Did you know that... When you carry the Bible, Satan has a headache. When you
open it, he collapses. When he sees you reading it, he faints. Let's read the
Bible every day so he keeps on fainting. Maybe one day he'll have a stroke and
never wake up.
And did you also know that when you are about to forward this email to others,
The devil will discourage you but forward it anyway.
these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3.Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and
bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence,
"I think I'd throw up.."
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing
when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two
worms.
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most
quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23 . She gave the youngsters a month to
learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't
remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first
line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the
congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the
microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to
know."
UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and
bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him
why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his
messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He
doesn't answer it?" she asked.
BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers
for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy
replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family
member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks,
after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This
soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity
got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about
all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by
saying 'All Men'!"
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's
house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When
Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please
wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy
replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before
eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is
Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.
THE BIBLE
Did you know that... When you carry the Bible, Satan has a headache. When you
open it, he collapses. When he sees you reading it, he faints. Let's read the
Bible every day so he keeps on fainting. Maybe one day he'll have a stroke and
never wake up.
And did you also know that when you are about to forward this email to others,
The devil will discourage you but forward it anyway.
The Pope and The Oilfield Consultant
Pope John Paul dies of old age and finds himself at the gates of
Heaven at 0300. He knocks on the gate and a very sleepy-eyed
watchman opens the gate and asks, "Waddyah want?"
"I'm the recently deceased Pope and have done 68 years of godly
works and thought I should check in here."
The watchman checks his clipboard and says, "I ain't got no orders
for you here. Just bring your stuff in and we'll sort this out in
the morning." They go to an old WWII barracks, 3rd floor, open bay.
All the bottom racks are taken and all empty lockers have no doors.
The Pope stows his gear under a rack and climbs into an upper bunk.
The next morning he awakens to sounds of cheering and clapping. He
goes to the window and sees a flashy Jaguar convertible parading
down the clouds from the golden headquarters building. The cloud
walks are lined with saints and angels cheering and tossing
confetti. In the back seat sits a retired Oilfield Consultant, a cigar in
his mouth,
a can of Bud Lite beer in one hand, and his other arm around a
voluptuous blonde Angel with magnificent halos.
This sight disturbs the Pope and he runs downstairs to the the main gate
and
says to St. Peter, "Hey, what gives? You put me, the Pope with
68 years of godly deeds, in an open bay barracks, while this Oilfield
Consultant,
who must've committed every sin known and unknown to man is
staying in a mansion on the hill and getting a hero's welcome. How
can this be?"
The Master at Arms calmly looks up and says, "Hey, we get a Pope up
here every 20 or 30 years, but we've never had an Oilfield Consultant
before.
Heaven at 0300. He knocks on the gate and a very sleepy-eyed
watchman opens the gate and asks, "Waddyah want?"
"I'm the recently deceased Pope and have done 68 years of godly
works and thought I should check in here."
The watchman checks his clipboard and says, "I ain't got no orders
for you here. Just bring your stuff in and we'll sort this out in
the morning." They go to an old WWII barracks, 3rd floor, open bay.
All the bottom racks are taken and all empty lockers have no doors.
The Pope stows his gear under a rack and climbs into an upper bunk.
The next morning he awakens to sounds of cheering and clapping. He
goes to the window and sees a flashy Jaguar convertible parading
down the clouds from the golden headquarters building. The cloud
walks are lined with saints and angels cheering and tossing
confetti. In the back seat sits a retired Oilfield Consultant, a cigar in
his mouth,
a can of Bud Lite beer in one hand, and his other arm around a
voluptuous blonde Angel with magnificent halos.
This sight disturbs the Pope and he runs downstairs to the the main gate
and
says to St. Peter, "Hey, what gives? You put me, the Pope with
68 years of godly deeds, in an open bay barracks, while this Oilfield
Consultant,
who must've committed every sin known and unknown to man is
staying in a mansion on the hill and getting a hero's welcome. How
can this be?"
The Master at Arms calmly looks up and says, "Hey, we get a Pope up
here every 20 or 30 years, but we've never had an Oilfield Consultant
before.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Heard at a Wedding Party . . . . . .
At a wedding party recently someone yelled,
"All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Elk Sex
Two rednecks are sitting on a porch. One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"
Friday, August 26, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Bridge
A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment she replied, 'Yes, sir, the wages were good, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked.' They played a game they call BRIDGE, and last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring refreshments, I heard a man say 'Lay down and let's see what you got.' Another man said 'I got strength, but not much length.' And then another man said to a lady, 'Take your hand off my trick.' I pretty near dropped dead just when a lady answered
, 'You forced me. You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one good raise'.
Another lady was talking about protecting her honour. And, two ladies were talking and one said, 'Now it's my turn to play with your husband while you play with mine.' Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving I hope to die if one them didn't say, 'Well, I guess we can go home, this is our last rubber!'
Another lady was talking about protecting her honour. And, two ladies were talking and one said, 'Now it's my turn to play with your husband while you play with mine.' Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving I hope to die if one them didn't say, 'Well, I guess we can go home, this is our last rubber!'
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Jeff Foxworthy
|
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Idiot Sighting
IDIOT SIGHTING
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....
I said "May I have large bills, please"
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....
IDIOT SIGHTING When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS
IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
From Kingman , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
How would you pronounce this child's name?"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.
STAY ALERT!
They live among us.
They often look normal.
And they vote!
They live among us.
They often look normal.
And they vote!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Ernesto
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the
caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is
dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die
from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor . He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a
candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought
she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition
Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wangi Exhibition Grade
Stock.
SILENCE... LONG SILENCE...VERY LONG SILENCE.
Ernesto
"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep shit."
caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is
dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die
from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor . He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a
candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought
she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition
Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wangi Exhibition Grade
Stock.
SILENCE... LONG SILENCE...VERY LONG SILENCE.
Ernesto
"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep shit."
Feel Like a Woman
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes
through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad
to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman, in particular, loses it... Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
'I'm too young to die,' she wails.
Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!'
Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate
woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy fromJackson
He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.
No one moves.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps.
He whispers . . .
"Iron this. Then get me a beer."
through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad
to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman, in particular, loses it... Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
'I'm too young to die,' she wails.
Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!'
Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate
woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy from
He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.
No one moves.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps.
He whispers . . .
"Iron this. Then get me a beer."
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